Top 8 Tips for Co-Parenting Success Post Divorce

Transcript

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Coming up on Better Place Project.

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In fact, the impact of negative talk about one parent on children's well-being is well documented in research.

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Studies by Gritsch and Fincham have shown that exposure to parental conflict, including disparaging remarks about one parent by the other, can lead to increased anxiety, depression and behavioral problems in your children.

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Do you want to do that to your kids?

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This highlights the importance of refraining from any type of bad-mouthing your ex-spouse in front of your children to protect their emotional health.

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Make the world a better place.

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Make the world a better place.

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Hey, hey, I'm Steve Norris.

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Welcome to Better Place Project, where each week, we shine a light on amazing humans from every corner of the planet who are doing extraordinary things to help make the world a better place, including sharing their knowledge with us on how we can be living healthier, happier, more purposeful lives.

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Hey everybody, welcome to episode 193.

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Today we're diving into one of the toughest journeys many of us face, including myself Divorce, especially when children are involved.

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It's a delicate balance of emotions, logistics and, most importantly, the well-being of our kids.

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So grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, take a deep breath and let's explore the top eight ways to navigate through a divorce with children Divorce with children.

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Over this past weekend, I got together with someone who I'm very close with and unfortunately he is going through a divorce and on top of that it's gotten toxic and worse.

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Yet they happen to have a 12-year-old child.

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And worse yet, they happen to have a 12-year-old child.

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Now I have a few friends and family members and lots of acquaintances who have recently gone through or are currently going through a divorce, and far too often nowadays I'm just hearing horror stories about the behavior of some of these parents and it just saddens me and, honestly, quite often infuriates me, especially when they are not putting the best interests of their children ahead of all else.

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When we become parents, we have an obligation to our children to avoid causing them harm in any way, to put their interests ahead of our own, to behave like a mature adult, because, after all, we are the adults in this situation and they are the children.

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So we need to act like the adults and be the parents that we are supposed to be.

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Now, as we embark on this journey, remember every situation is unique and what works for one family may not for another.

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That said, these suggestions can serve as guiding principles to navigate through this tumultuous time with a little grace and perhaps a little resilience.

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So let's get to it.

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Number one prioritize communication.

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Communication is key, and not just for the logistics of co-parenting, but also for the emotional well-being of everyone involved.

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So establish open and respectful yes, respectful communication channels with your ex-spouse.

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Set boundaries, stick to schedules and, most importantly, keep the focus on what's best for the children.

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Now, research by the Gottman Institute emphasizes the importance of effective communication in co-parenting.

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According to their studies, couples who maintain open and respectful communication tend to have smoother transitions and healthier relationships post-divorce.

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Isn't that what we all want?

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This not only benefits the parents, but also has a positive impact on the emotional well-being of our children.

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Number two I've already said this phrase, I think, three or four times already, but put children first.

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Amidst the emotional turmoil, it's crucial to prioritize the needs of our children above all else.

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Make decisions with their best interests at heart, whether it's regarding custody arrangements, visitation schedules or even your emotional responses.

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Studies by Amato and Gilbreth in 1999 highlight the significance of prioritizing the needs of children during divorce.

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Research suggests that children fare better emotionally and psychologically when their parents prioritize their well-being and minimize conflict during the separation process.

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Number three, and this, I would argue, is the most important one of all, and that is be kind to your ex.

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This might be the hardest but most crucial advice that I'm giving you today.

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When I divorced the mother of my children after 26 years plus together, it was very, very tumultuous in those first few weeks and few months and my ex had left and I've talked about this openly on the podcast.

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She had had an affair.

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It devastated our family.

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She moved out.

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I stayed in the house with the three kids and things were so chaotic.

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There were some mean things said to each other, but some of the best advice I got during this time and keep in mind this is when my friends, even my ex-wife's family, were giving me all this advice Cut off the credit cards, don't give her the car, you know, don't do this and go for the throat and hire a lawyer and all this crazy stuff.

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And go for the throat and hire a lawyer and all this crazy stuff.

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My good friend Ron, who happens to be a family lawyer, gave me the best advice that I absolutely needed to hear and I'm so grateful that he gave me this advice and I took it and he said be kind to your ex.

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Be kind to her.

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If she needs a little money, give her some money.

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Resist the urge to pound your chest and scream at her and yell at her, especially in front of the kids, but kill her with kindness is the best advice that I ever got.

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Regardless of the hurt and anger, please strive to be kind and respectful towards your ex-partner.

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Remember they're still a parent to your children, and fostering a positive relationship with them benefits everyone, especially your kids.

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Research conducted by Cummings and Davies underscores the detrimental effects of ongoing conflict and hostility between divorced parents on children's mental health.

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Conversely, studies have shown that children exhibit fewer behavioral problems and higher levels of emotional stability when they witness their parents demonstrating kindness and cooperation towards each other despite the divorce, and cooperation towards each other despite the divorce.

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Now in my personal life, 12 years later, I have a wonderful relationship with my ex.

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Just the other night we had game night.

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My daughter was there and her boyfriend and my ex-wife was there and we had a wonderful time.

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We get together all the time for dinners and lunches, and we have holiday dinners together, and for that I am forever grateful.

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In fact, one of my most relished friendships is the one I have with my ex-wife and I'm so grateful for that, and I'm so grateful that I can get together with her and our three beautiful children and their respective significant others and just have an amazing time together without any toxicity whatsoever.

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So I know things.

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You may be going through a tough divorce right now and you may think there's no way I would ever want this guy or this woman in my life again.

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Come on, show a little kindness, if for no other reason, for the sake of your children, and you may find one day you have a friend that you really treasure.

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You have a friend that you love and respect.

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Number four avoid badmouthing your ex.

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The impact of negative talk about one parent on children cannot be overstated.

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So just refrain from badmouthing your ex-spouse in front of your children In fact, in front of anybody and so many of these, by the way.

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These apply to those of you out there going through a divorce that you don't have kids.

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Still, there's every reason in the world to be kind to your ex spouse.

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Don't bad-mouth them to your friends and family.

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It's just not worth it.

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It just throws negative energy out into the world.

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But especially don't do it in front of your children.

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It just creates confusion, guilt and long-lasting emotional scars.

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Instead, model respect and civility, even when it's challenging.

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In fact, the impact of negative talk about one parent on children's well-being is well documented in research.

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Studies by Gritsch and Fincham have shown that exposure to parental conflict, including disparaging remarks about one parent by the other, can lead to increased anxiety, depression and behavioral problems in your children.

00:10:05.429 --> 00:10:07.052
Do you want to do that to your kids?

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This highlights the importance of refraining from any type of bad-mouthing your ex-spouse in front of your children to protect their emotional health.

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It's just essential that we understand the impact this can have on young minds.

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Children are incredibly perceptive and absorb everything, including negative comments about their parents.

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Again, this can lead to just loyalty conflicts, confusion and even a distorted sense of self-worth.

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So, even in moments of frustration or anger, choose your words wisely for the sake of your children's emotional well-being.

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Choose to show kindness and love instead.

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Gritch and Fincham's research sheds light on the profound impact of parental conflict and bad-mouthing on children's emotional well-being.

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On children's emotional well-being.

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Children who are exposed to such toxic behaviors often experience heightened levels of stress, insecurity and, as I mentioned before, a diminished sense of self-worth.

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So again, parents, be mindful of your words and your actions, recognizing the lasting trauma.

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Yes, you are inflicting trauma if you do this.

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This trauma they can carry with them for years or the rest of their life, so let's stop doing it.

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By integrating research findings, we can provide evidence-based support for the importance of each tip and underscore the significance of navigating divorce with children in a healthy and constructive manner.

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Number five seek support.

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You don't have to navigate this journey alone.

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Seek support from friends, family or even a therapist, a priest, a pastor who can provide guidance and a listening ear during this challenging time.

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Remember, it's okay to ask for help.

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Number six create consistency.

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Stability is crucial for children during times of upheaval.

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Establish consistent routines and rules across both households to provide a sense of security and normalcy for your kids.

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Number seven and this is an important one as well practice self-care.

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It's easy to neglect your own well-being amidst the chaos of divorce, but taking care of yourself, it's just so important.

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Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your mind, body and soul, whether it's exercise, meditation, breath, work, a walk in the woods or simply carving out time for hobbies that you enjoy so important.

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Practice some self-care.

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Finally, number eight embrace co-parenting.

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Co-parenting can be challenging, but it's also an opportunity to show your children what healthy collaboration looks like.

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Work together with your ex-spouse to make decisions in the best interest of your kids, keep lines of communication open, be flexible and, above all, demonstrate respect for each other's roles as parents.

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So, in conclusion, remember that navigating divorce with children is undoubtedly challenging, but it's also an opportunity for growth, resilience and, ultimately, a brighter future for you and your family.

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By prioritizing kindness, communication and the well-being of your children, you can pave the way for a more harmonious transition and a fulfilling co-parenting journey ahead.

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So that's all for now.

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Until next time, be kind to your ex.

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It's good for you, it's good for your ex and, most importantly, it's fantastic for your children.

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Share it with a friend who you think it might resonate with.

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Subscribe and leave us a rating and review, as that is the single best way to help the show and get the word out to more good humans.

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Look for small ways to be kind this week and that will help make the world a better place.

Top 8 Tips for Co-Parenting Success Post Divorce

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